December 9th, 2007
Today Alex told me of his plans to be married.
I cannot pretend that this didn't come as a shock, for it took me completely by surprise...Alex, my closest friend, housemate, confidante, the permanently drunk student, with his motorcycle, that pride and joy of his...I realised today that we have grown up, and I haven't noticed. I have been so caught up in my own thought and misery that I have failed to notice that Alex is not that carefree young man that he used to be. In my mind I am still standing where I was three years ago...five years ago...the time has gone, but it doesn't seem to have taken me with it.
I cannot comprehend this feeling of age, I feel as if there is so much that I need to do with my life before I grind myself into a rut of comfortable living.
I suppose I should really describe here the last few months of my life, for they haven't been particularly pleasant. I left you as I was walking through the rain, miserable and disillusioned, haunted by memories of the past, and loathing my situation in the present. I reached my house, cold and wet, and sat on the floor of the kitchen, forming a puddle of hopelessness on the floorboards around me. I sat there for I don't know how long, before eventually, exhausted through emotion, I moved to my bed. I stayed there for days, moving only to drink water, unable to stomach anything else. Eventually Alex came home and dragged me into the shower, and force-fed me. It is lucky that he did.
I shan't go into detail of the following few months, for they are memories which I do not want to dredge up - suffice to say I spent much time being listlessly dragged through subsistence by Alex, to whom I owe so much. I don't think I spoke to anybody, barely left the house, sat listening to piano concertos for hours on end, my mind purely blank. There was I think no great emotion for that period to overwhelm me, nothing to drive me forwards, rather there was just nothing. I felt nothing, my existence felt as a dream, and my body felt as though it belonged to another. I can't really say more than that, for it was just a prologued blur of silent motion.
Eventually of course Alex and his girlfriend (fiancee soon I suppose) realised that I was content to sit and mope indefinitely, so carted me off to the doctor, where I continued to sit morosely, blankly, allowing the world to go on around me as if I myself played no role in my fate. You see, even if you do not actively participate, life is such that it continues, others force you to continue, others then take over the shaping of your destiny. So it was that my friends, with the aid of various chemicals, forced me out of my morose stagnation...but I can't talk about it, yet.
I have spent a lot of time writing, time traveling...I suppose you could really say that my life is back to normal in many ways, though it still has perhaps not regained that vibrance which I used to see in the world, everything being rather a duller, more subdued version of being.
That's enough for now...it's a start, at least.
Current Music: Romeo and Julitte suite - Prokofiev
|Date:||December 10th, 2007 01:27 pm (UTC)|| |
Alex is doing WHAT?!?!
With what's her face?
Ummmm..... do we REALLY think that is a good idea??
No, we don't think it is...