October 26th, 2005
I like the botanic gardens. They are so peaceful. I do not however like children. They annoy the hell out of me. Sometimes I wish I could stuff them full of cranberries and eat them... well maybe not. I haven't had any paternal urges (do guys get paternal urges) yet, and am hoping that I shan't in future.
I saw a very odd thing today walking home from the botanic gardens.
However, as nobody ever comments on my livejournal, I shan't say what it is.
September 11th, 2005
It has been a while, hasn't it?
However, nothing much has changed in my life, I continue the same as ever, trudging through this mundane world.
I have been in Sydney a lot recently, in fact I haven't been in Adelaide for more than a couple of days at a time over the last few months. Alex has been taking care of the house (care, meaning of course much drinking and television watching, but at least it is fairly clean), so I don't really have much to worry about here. This city reminds me too much. Reminds me of Laura, and that empty space where she should be.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with my life, it feels trivial, useless. I write books and wander round pretentiously and artisticly, I party, I drink coffee. Where will this lead me? University provided little inspiration, no direction, and here I am, like the characters in my books, lost on the path to some penultimate destination where the secrets will be revealed and everything will be blissful, peaceful, and final.
What to do?
Perhaps, in the completion of the journey's of my beloved characters, I too will reach my end. I will find what life wants from me. Maybe they are my guidance, I will follow them blindly through the pages, my mind being sucked into their world...
Maybe people will like my characters, and with them, adulate me.
Maybe they will look at them in contempt and I will be left in the gutter, with a notebook, a pen, and a tattered copy of a failed life's work.
Current Mood: contemplative
July 22nd, 2005
Today I was sitting at the bus stop and whilst watching people was inspired. So I wrote this short piece whilst waiting for the bus.
She was walking along the busy street, laden down with bags of shopping, the sounds of jazz humming softly through her earphones. She stopped at the traffic lights, and waited to cross the street. She turned to look at her bus stop on the opposite side of the road, hoping that the bus had not left without her, but found her view blocked by the face of an old woman who was trying to control a small gaggle of children. She moved away, uncomfortable, for she didn’t like being in close proximity to strangers. The lights turned and she crossed the road, looking around at the other pedestrians surreptitiously, imagining each of them to be staring at her. Her pace quickened. On the other side of the street she was hit by a gust of wind which whipped her hair around her face and made walking difficult. The leaves around her flew along the pavement. Out of the shelter of tall buildings now, she was exposed to the bitter wrath of winter. She was still 200 metres or so away from the bus stop, and every step was becoming harder to take as the wind became more intense. She saw people around her, heads bent to the pavement, and she inwardly thought how nice it would be if they were all blown away so she could have the solitude and peace of mind she craved.
The wind was becoming cold, and with effort she retrieved her scarf from a bag and put it on. She dressed unusually for her age, many said, preferring pinstriped skirts and long coats, argyle vests and thick stockings to the casual jeans and cotton jumpers of her peers. If people were going to stare at her, she thought, she might as well try to dress nicely.
She pushed her thick black glasses up her nose and looked towards the bus stop. There was nobody sitting on it, and this comforted her. She looked around and saw that the sidewalk too was now free of people, and she felt inwardly elated. In fact, the street too was now blessedly free of cars, leaving an eerie silence in the air. She stopped uneasily and noticed that the wind too had ceased. The joy of solitude was quickly replaced by a feeling of panic. She ran along the next street and that too was deserted. Everywhere she ran was devoid of humanity. She started to cry in fear, clutching her shopping tighter than ever, her last link to normal life. She walked hopelessly around the city, looking for a sign of life but finding nothing. Suddenly she stopped, and looked through the window of the shop she was next to, and slowly started to smile.
The next day saw her driving along the freeway, wind whipping her hair from behind the headscarf, but this wind was welcome. It was too easy, she thought, to walk into the showroom, take the keys from the office and drive away with this brand new porche. Now she was driving, with jazz on the stereo and a jumping heart and soaring spirit. The country whizzed past her, empty, emptier than usual, and this emptiness made the wide expanses seem even bigger and less inviting. Every town she came to was deserted, daily life was left frozen, objects lying where they had been placed.
Was she the only one left? Would she be left to wander the country endlessly for the rest of her life, a tragic tribute to humanity, a girl who couldn’t stand the company of others? Irony at its best. As the shadows lengthened she came to another city, eerie without the normal bustle of business men and women and daytime shoppers. She parked the car in the main street and started to wander, grabbing a baguette and muffin from a café, and a juice from a deli. She had always been content with her own company, but now there was no one else, nobody to ignore, to be paranoid about, she felt slightly lost. It was the choice to shun human company which had made her unique, and content.
She walked back to the car and began to drive again. As she was nearing the end of the CBD she heard a shout. With a shock she slammed on the brakes and saw a figure running towards her. Scared, but curious she looked expectantly at the man in the black business suit who was now standing in front of the car. She recognised the expression on his face, the distant look in his eyes and said “hop in.” He got in the passenger seat and she started driving again. He never said anything, never asked where they were going, just watched the buildings, then the trees, then the plains passing by.
She smiled to think that only with the rest of humanity gone was she able to find another like her. Another who had resisted that cold wind that had herded humans like sheep off the face of the world. But she and her silent companion had not followed. She wondered how many others there would be who had not conformed to their species. She pressed the accelerator to go faster, and kept driving. There was only one way to find out. As the car sped into the flat distance the sound of jazz lingered for a moment in the hazy air, before fading and leaving silence to settle over the land.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: benny goodman
June 26th, 2005
Why does nobody reply to my entries? Sometimes I feel transparent, as if I do not exist. Can you not see me, and aknowledge me?
I have been spending a while in Sydney, alternating between writing and partying, as usual. Since it is getting colder I now spend my days wandering the coffee shops, drinking coffee and writing in the warmth, observing others going about their lives... sometimes I will take myself to a quiet part of the mueseam or art gallery and absorb the history, the atmosphere, transcribing it onto paper for my characters to enjoy with me.
My friends over there were very sympathetic about Laura, though somewhat in disbelief. The usual dumb skanks held themselves back from trying to seduce me for once, which was a nice change, but it just emphasized the fact that things aren't the same...I want to get back to normality.
I think my bread is ready, so I must take it out of the oven, spread it with butter and eat it. Yum.
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Gorillaz - feel good inc
June 15th, 2005
There is a world in the mind of a stranger, and in that world exists all you know. You see this stranger one day, and in their eyes you suddenly see the universe, a reflection of everything you know. You ask them why, but they say nothing, as you are a creation of theirs, not real. You wonder then, if you exist. Are you a creation of the stranger? Is the stranger an element of your own mind? It is then you see the world for what it is, you see the bolts holding together this man-made conception, your perception of the world flips into an examination of the sketches of life. You then see that nothing if perfect, nothing is there but you. This moment is where time stops and life begins.
Current Mood: empty
May 20th, 2005
Well, I am back from Africa. It definately an experience I will never forget, and feel very lucky to lead the life I do. I also feel like a much better person after having selflessly helped so many people...
I was somewhat scared that i would be eaten by lions, but I wasn't, and it was rather stupid to think that I would.
But now I am avoiding what I must say, though it is hard to finally put it down in words.
It happened a month or so ago, so I am feeling numb right now. Laura was trying to hang something in a tree, a decoration of some sort which she had made and thought looked pretty, and she slipped, and cut her hand on a branch. Now, this would have been alright in itself, as we disinfected and bandaged it, and thought nothing more of it, had it not been for what happened the next day. About midday, we were sitting down, having something to eat, when a small group of children came towards the camp where we were doing our humanitarian business. There were three of them carrying another, who looked rather the worse for wear, and was cut and bleeding in many places. We tried to find out what had happened to him, but none of them could, or would tell us. Laura, being the kind person she is...was...rushed to attend to the boy's injuries. She ended up with blood all over her, as he wasn't the most willing patient and was reluctant to be cleaned up and bandaged. We thought no more of it, until a couple of weeks later, Laura started complaining of being tired, sick, and we thought it was something like flu, or glange, but then even after medication she didn't get better. We started to become a bit worried, and so she had some tests done, and to our horror, discovered that she had contracted rapid onslaught aids. She died not long after, for there was nothing they could do for her. I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my soul, and my world torn apart. Everything seemed so brief and pointless, I kept on working there, detatched from emotion. The joy of helping people had evaporated, and I kept thinking how not I nor anyone else could have helped Laura.
So when my months were done, I flew back here, kicked Alex out of my house (not before making him clean the empty alcohol bottles off every surface of the house) and sat here. I fixed the garden, cooked bread, tried to get back to normal life, but what I experienced in Africa has formed a block in my brain, and normal everyday life cannot seem to get through this block.
That is what happened in Africa, and what has been occupying my time. Maybe now I will be able to finish my book.
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: muse - new born
February 2nd, 2005
|04:34 pm - Greetings from AFRICA|
Well...so much has been happening lately that i haven't had a chance to update properly. As my name suggests, I am in Africa! I mentioned a while ago that Laura wanted to come here to help poor children, and one day, when I was in Sydney, she rang me to say she was going in a weeks time. I thought about this for a while, and then, on the spur of the moment decided to join her, to make myself a better person. I think it is working. We have been here for a few weeks now, and I have only just now got internet access. We have been wandering around doing helpful things to little children who are dying. I almost felt a twinge of sympathy for one who was dying of aids the other day, so I think my aim to become a better person is slowly being achieved. Laura is very much into the aid work over here, whereas I tend to spend more time trying to play soccer with the kids. It is very basic over here. I am quite scared that I will catch something, or be eaten by a lion or something.
I hope my house is ok. If anyone happens to pass it, please tell me how it is looking. I left Alex in charge, and he is not the most responsible person, so I dread to think of what the garden will look like when I come home, or if poor Mozart is still alive.
Anyway, the internet is very dodgy here so I had better go and be nice to people.
Love to all. ;)
Current Mood: hot
Current Music: Screaming children
January 2nd, 2005
|12:16 am - 2005|
So, it is new year, and this year is looking good.
I haven't written here for a while, as I have been rather busy, what with Christmas and New Years and everything, and I have been having a hard time getting to write my book, let alone my lj. So, what I have been doing over the last week or so....
Christmas was good, I went to my parents' house with some other family members, and we ate and talked and everyone basically bored everyone to death, but since we don't see each other often, it was bearable. I was given books and vouchers from rels, and clothes and money from my parents, so I am quite happy really. Christmas presents don't have quite the same appeal as when one is young, I find, so to get a few things that are useful is far better than a mound of useless, token presents.
On boxing day Laura and I went to a BBQ with her family, and it was nice to meet them, as I have not done so yet. I asked her to our celebrations for Christmas day, but of course she had her own family gathering which she had to attend. It was nice to spend time with her, and her folks are nice too. I think I ate far too much food over these few days though, as even though I knew I was totally stuffed, I would eat more and more, just becuase I love Christmas food so so much.
Sales. Doesn't everyone love them? And I am no exception. My friend Anna dragged me along to the midnight sales, and it was fun to go shopping at midnight, just for the novelty of it. Anna isn't the brightest spark, and sometimes it can be a drag doing things with her, as the conversation is so incredibly...empty. I often get airheaded chicks attatch themselves to me, I don't know why. Maybe it is because I am so hott and everything. ;) But shopping was good - we went into every single shop I think, and I bought a few things, and Anna increased her slutt wardrobe greatly, as much as I subtely tried to hint to her that she already owned excessive numbers of mini-skirts. Oh well. Each to their own.
For New Years I had a party at my house, because that has been tradition for years, I don't know why really. Alex wandered round getting smashed and trying to hit on nearly every single girl there by saying "Hey, want to ride my motorbike?" and being rejected by all...the fact that his girlfriend was there, laughing at him might have had something to do with his failure. He had no recollection of it in the morning anyway, and she forgave him becuase he was just so damn funny. I think everyone there ended up drinking a bit too much, including myself, so my house was full of rather woozy people for most of today.
2005 - this year I shall finish my books, and this year I have Laura, so things are looking optimistic indeed. I might look back on these comments this time next year, and shake my head, laugh and think what a fool I was for saying them, or I might look, nod, and reflect on how accurate they were. Only time will tell...
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: enya - orinico flow
December 18th, 2004
|06:34 pm - damn them|
I just went to the video shop, and there I was nearly trampled to death. Not, as one might expect by a hoard of raging and malicious elephants (because video shops stock them, didn't you know?) but rather by customers. There was a man there with four children raging in age from I would say 11ish - 5ish. Now, these children and this man seemed to have the worst manners I think i have ever seen. They blocked the whole aisle and I couldn't get through, and even saying 'exucse me' wouldn't move them. The children were noisy.
The youngest was a fat little girl who was obviously trying to get my attention by staring at me and talking 'to herself'. She however chose the wrong guy to chat up. I am not fond of attention-seeking little children. Especially not ones carrying Barbie dvds and trying to get me to comment on them. They stood in front of me when I was looking at dvds and didn't say sorry or excuse me, then when i was in the line for the checkout these children blocked the whole way and i couldn't get past them, and they wouldn't move out of my way. It made me angry that children could be raised like that, but then again, considering the man was also incredibly badly mannered himself, it doesn't surprise me.
Since it has been nice weather today I decided to wash my car. Now my lovely little red MG is incredibly shiny, though it was so hot that I managed to get more water on me than on the actual car...I really need to take it out for a long drive sometime. I haven't been out driving for a while, what with my book (which is progressing well) and Laura (I don't think I need to explain that one;)).
Hopefully I will be seeing Laura tonight, but if not we were planning on catching up tomorrow anyway. I need to buy her a Christmas present. Why are girls so hard to shop for? It seriously panics me the thought of what to buy for her, and she won't tell me what she wants either. If only I were a mind reader, things would be so much easier.
My parents decided to go to Paris for Christmas this year. This means that I have to keep an eye on their house for them while they are away...it will be hard, having to keep that swimming pool and tennis court safe...:p
I think I shall go and watch those DVDs now, after I braved the hoards of children to rescue them from the elephants.
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: ministry of sound - acid jazz - so what
December 14th, 2004
|05:53 pm - why are people so thick?|
I ask myself questions of humanity all the time. One of the major ones is "why must people be so darn thick?"
This became a very relevant question today whilst I was talking to dearest Nyssa. She was telling me about how her boyfriend was inviting a girl who he thinks is extremely hotn over to his house. I expressed my concerns that he WAS being attracted to another chick when he is going out with Nyssa, and she was like "It's fine, it's normal." Is it just me, or is there really something wrong if you aren't worried about your bf going after another chick? And telling you he is doing it... I think Nyssa really needs to see some daylight. She needs to learn that having your bf pursue another chick whilst going out with you is BAD. WRONG. Meanwhile she is telling me how her family is hosting a 17 yr old German exchange student, and he is 'a bit you for her she thinks' thought 'she will have to see what he looks like then decide'. Please keep in mind that Slug is 21. It is FOUL.
I did some Christmas shopping, and whilst in town, I was looking at all the different people, and thinking how totally atrocious the things that some people wear are. I must assure you, that in saying this I am not gay, just observant, and appauled. I shall not go into greater detail, as it would be very boring.
I went shopping at the supermarket and my plastic bag broke, spilling cans and lemons all over the supermarket car park. They rolled and I had to chase them. I think I shall write a letter of complaint to coles, as much as I love to chase my groceries...
Laura is lovely as usual, and am feeling so glad I met her. My mother paid me a visit the other day when Laura and I were enjoying the sun in my garden. She seems to like Laura, which is good, and she also brought round a Christmas cake she had made, which is veyr good.
Sun, Laura and a Christmas cake...what more could one want?
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: the beatles - lucy in the sky with diamonds